"I'm really glad your friend Cami came tonight, oh and you too of course. Would it be ok if I took her on a scooter ride, you too of course." Dave

Ok so I've gone back and forth on whether or not I was going to share the next 12+ hours of our trip experience with you all. I even thought maybe I would just email the details to those that I thought would "appreciate" it more than others--though I don't know if that's a good choice of word. But in the end, what's a good travel story if it spares some of the gory details?? I'm gonna stick to my full disclosure policy and run with that. Just don't judge.

So the night with Dave and Jess begun eventful but there was nothing to that point that could have foreshadowed what would come next.

This is Dave and Jess

It started out with us all just sitting around and then Dave suggested we go pick some of the lemons from the tree in front of the villa and squeeze them with the oranges Emilia the shopkeeper had just given us to make some yummy juice. Ok. Being the public health dork I am, when he asked for some help with a flashlight outside (he was cutting with his army knife and the moonlight wasn't quite bright enough), I offered to help so Jess could keep her foot up.

Harmless, right? Yeah, sure.

This one of the oversized lemons that the Amalfi Coast are famous for: Cedro (pronounced Che-dro)

From there he had me follow him into the kitchen and we started hand squeezing the fruit. It totally took me back to my days living in the "909"...we used to have an orange tree and I think a lemon too and I loved picking them and getting out that little bowl thing with the dully pointed part that sticks up in the middle and squishing and spinning the orange halves around and around until every last drop was out. This was much the same. And we just casually chatted as we took turns.

Janise sat on the couch to keep Jess company. I guess we would have all been talking together but they had music playing so we would have been shouting...it was like loud, hard rock, hater, army man music.

Our conversation went everywhere from army stuff to music to family to traveling to fashion to Italia to them to us to college and majors to life philosophies...you get the picture...and you all know I can talk and be engaged in almost any topic of conversation.

Every once in a while I felt like, "hmm, ok that was a little close," or like "ok, I think you just popped my personal bubble," or "hmm, was that 'graze' on accident?? Yeah, of course it was."

The evening progressed and he just kept drinking that limoncella...another one of those things I'm glad I was warned about because otherwise I would probably have gotten drunk by now because of how often it was offered...and don't worry, I definitely accidentally bought chocolates with it in them and the fam didn't realize it until daddy tried them...oops! Sorry Bishop :) Limoncella is basically an alcoholic lemonade that the coast is famous for. And the more he drank the more...well, let's just say I made panicked eye contact with Janise not even halfway through the night and she asked if she could help at that point. I know how to make pretty stellar bruschetta. I didn't need to be taught. Nor did I need him to try and "get to know me" any more than he already had.

I took a breath of relief and joined Jess in the living room.

Then out came the cards and the camera.

"BS!!!" was the game of choice. We dove in. By this point he was getting super obvious in his gestures, attempts, looks, stares, and comments. Actually, I think the camera had already come out while we were cutting lemons and in the kitchen. That's right, that was the first time I thought he tried to kiss me...what?!?! oh yeah! kiss!! I had to literally duck out of it...he'd cornered me up again the kitchen sink area...oh but he was just joking of course...he just stumbled a little...riiiggghhhtttt.

Right off the bat he chose to sit as far from Jess as possible and next to me...like I was sitting between them. And within 5 minutes he straight up turned his chair so that his natural gaze and entire body were directly facing me. Then he's like totally distracted looking at the pictures...and drinking...and he started randomly taking pictures of me...or at least trying to. I just kept putting my hand up and stuff to ruin the pictures. He started getting like legitimately frustrated with me. And then of course he would take pictures of the other girls too so he could justify it. 4 of me 1 of them. 2 of me 1 of them. 3 of me 1 of them.

Janise and I were DYING!

When the game was over he wanted to go get cappuccino. So everyone was going to go. But then he just wanted to take the scooter but only two people could be on it. And then like Jess can't really walk. Oh and this was after he made this profound announcement...it was more like a speech actually but he uh, he offered for us to stay there with them for the remainder of our trip. Janise and I looked at eachother not knowing what to think. Jess just smiled real big and was all excited too. So strange. So, I volunteered to stay with Jess and he and Janise could go get drinks. We had all already said we wanted hot chocolate. He just kept trying to make eye contact and bringing it up again and again how only two people could go and like asking, "So wait, what do you all want?"

3 Hot Chocolates. That's it. It's not rocket science buddy.

And then like he was either so drunk that he couldn't hear us or he'd just straight up gone deaf, he almost frantically searched out a notepad and pen and asks again,

"So, Janise what do you want (ummm...she's going with you dude)...hot chocolate (writing it down)...and you Jess?...h-o-t c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e...and cami (crossing the room and handing me the pen and pad) can you just write down what you want?"

ummm...ok.

Holding the pen I go to write under the list he'd already made and...what the? I see this instead of his so-called list:

"I really wish it was you coming on this walk with me..."

WHAT!!!!!! Who are you dude!!?!?!???!?

I contained all the disgust on my face and blatantly wrote, in all caps:

• HOT CHOCOLATE

I promptly handed it back to him, still avoiding eye contact (I could see him starring at me with those "need you" eyes...oh and did I mention he ripped out, crumpled up, and pocketed the note after reading...that's always a trust promoting gesture). I started talking with Jess after shooting Janise an, "I'm so sorry but thank you!" glance and they left with him dragging his feet.

, you might be wondering why I hadn't just stormed out by that point or raised you know what...well, you see at this point Janise and I were having a really difficult time trying to figure out whether or not Jess had picked up on any of this yet. No, like really though. She's such a nice little girl but she seems to be a little disconnected in places, if you will. Which also made us question why he was marrying her...let's just say they were on different planets from what we witnessed. We were just afraid of the off chance that we were like way off base and he really wasn't coming on to me ever chance he got and then ruining their perfect little fairytale...and they still had like 10 days left of their time there. And secondly, honestly, we really didn't have anywhere else to go. It was pretty late by the time the bag fiasco was over and the buses were done, everything was closed, there wasn't a human being out and about, we weren't near the touristy part of town (which honestly at that point we didn't even know where that was), and it was stormy and cold and beyond dark outside with the only light coming dimly from the moon. Beautiful, yes, but not very...grab your stuff and run!!! friendly.

Even during the time we were together she showed no sign of awareness and even hoped right on facebook and added me and just chatted it up.

They got back. Cold, soaked, tired, and empty handed. The place was closed...probably due to the weather...or time.

From there things just went downhill...if you can imagine there being any further down to go. Oh it did.

By this point he was totally sloshed and was trying everything he could come up with to get me alone. He tried to give me a personal tour of their villa. He would try and send the other girls away. I would move across the room and sit as far away from him as possible and in a spot that there really wasn't enough room for another person and he would come squish next to me and lean into me with his whole body...I got up and moved nearly immediately. He even followed me up to the bathroom one time. CREEPER!!!

And still, Jess didn't even flinch...at least on the outside...

...I was dying...soooooo uncomfortable!!!!

Well, after about 20 more minutes of trying to get them to go up stairs Janise and I came up with a brilliant plan and we didn't even have to talk verbally about it to be on the same page instantly! Claim to be beyond exhausted and pulled out the futon bed and started making it!!! Duh!!!! Why didn't we think about that sooner??? Dumb!

So we get goin on that and they head up stairs. Our bags were up against the wall that the head of our little bed was smashed up against as well. Really what we did was put the cushions of the couch (they were all connected) on the ground and so I was on my hands and knees with my back to the stairs that led up to their room. I was laying the blankets and sheets out to cover them and meanwhile Janise had the grand idea of heading up stairs to brush her teeth (SHE COULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE KITCHEN SINK IN CLEAR VIEW OF ME!!!). She left me alone and I didn't realize it until next thing I hear is HIM! He's already halfway down the stairs and my brief glance over my shoulder proved the feeling of being intently watched to be fact.

Ahhh!!! What to do? What to do? Freaking out much? Yes! That was the least of the thoughts going through my head. Just look busy. Look busy and whatever you do don't look back. Just look busy. Ummm....straighten the totally already straightened covers...ummm, dig through your bag for something...come up with any reason to not have to stand up, cross the room, make eye contact, or give him any way to strike up conversation. What the? Ahhh!!! He's crawling across my bed at me! He's right behind me! I don't understand! I don't understand!!! Make it stop! What the heck is he doing. If he gets any closer I swear I'm gonna kung fu kick him so hard he'll never be able to make babies! With anyone!

"Hey, so I'm sorry I couldn't take you on a scooter ride tonight. I just...I'm sooo grateful that you came tonight. You have no idea what this has meant to me. I hope that you guys will take us up on our offer to stay here with us for the rest of your trip. I really have enjoyed having you here. I really like talking to you...So, I was thinking, tomorrow I'm gonna get up early and make this amazing breakfast. But I think I'm going to need a little assistance. I would love if you'd get up early with me and help (by this point he had so much alcohol in him I could smell it with every word...there was NO WAY I wasn't just gonna agree with everything he said...within in reason and morals)?? Ok good. Great. I was also thinking, I really really want to take you on a scooter ride, and the other girls too of course, but since we're making breakfast how about I set my alarm real early and I can take you for a ride all around the town. You know, before everyone else wakes up. Just you and me. It'll just make more time for me to take the other girls later. So what do you think?"

uhhhh...there were so many words I would like to say and yell and scream and chastise and..."are you asking me on a date?" followed by a slap was certainly among them...this is by no means flattering Sr. Don't even fool yourself for a second!!

I just went with, "Yeah sure. I uh, will probably not wake up very early but maybe, yeah, we'll see. I'm like so tired so, Night!"

get out of here, get out of here...seriously....and then the most beautiful sound I have ever heard...

"Hey guys! What's up?"

I have never been so excited to hear Janise's voice in my life!!!!

Let's just say we turned off the light like right away...after I brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink and we whisper-mostly-kidding-yelled at each other about our different experiences with him and restrained with all we had to keep our belly laughter down to the lowest volume humanly possible.

What on earth did we get ourselves into!?!?!? What is this??

I feel asleep pretty quick...standard...but Janise apparently not only took a while to fall asleep but also woke up early which both turned out to be really tragic circumstances. Yikes! Sooooo glad I sleep so well. I did wake up for a little bit early in the morning but I thought I heard them yelling at each other so I quickly made myself fall back to sleep. I did also see him walk outside sometime after that and maybe come back in later and look at me but I never let him know I was awake in the least. I think at one point I even pulled the covers over my head completely.

Eventually, Janise and I just couldn't handle "it" anymore and despite the fact that it was like, oh I don't know sometime around 7am, we silently packed up our stuff, cleaned up the room, put the furniture back to it's proper place, I did the unbelievable...I ripped a piece of paper out of the PB (yeah I know), scribbled some totally believable reason for how we had to go meet up with some friends and had to skip out early, sorry for leaving before saying goodbye, thanks, and good luck!

hahahaha

arguing, ha!

"Look out ladies of the world...I am God's gift to women."

BY WAY OF AN UPDATE:

Jess is like super insistent on being Facebook friends with us. I accepted and have been wanting to write and tell her what a horrible person her dude was but don't worry first she posted all these pictures of us all together and then she tells me that they're over and then she starts spilling some of what went down that night/morning and I'm not going to explain what this means but lets just say his excuse was that he was trying to get a threesome together.

OMGoodness!!! So glad that's over. Ha! Oh and did I mention that now she like wants my number so she can come out and visit me??? What's with people like this!?? I don't even understand.

Dave in my eyes.

Ladies: If any of you ever sight this lame excuse for a man...Run away!!!...maybe slap him once for me and than run away.

Gents: I don't think I need to spell out what I'd expect from you all...all I gotta say is the more permanent the better. :P